Reasons why I should never have left the Shire
by Tacosaurus
Summary: Bilbo Baggins laments and lists all the many reasons he should have never left the Shire. For one thing, he's left his handkerchief behind (a sign of bad luck in his family). Leave suggestions below! Caution: Insanity awaits. Don't say I didn't warn you when you end up inhaling your beverage in the morning. You shouldn't be drinking when reading a fanfic labeled humor. Now up:
1. HANDKERCHIEFS AND SACKVILLE - BAGGINSES

_1) It rains constantly so my stuff isn't dry._

Bilbo sighed as he held his damp clothing. It just had to rain, didn't it. Now the hobbit was stuck with dwaven clothing for as long as his own clothes remained wet. "Fifth time this week." He grumbled bitterly to himself, placing them upon the stick over the fire to dry. There was a clap of thunder and then harsh flows of raindrops followed.

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"

* * *

_2) I forgot my handkerchief. _

Handkerchiefs were extremely important to Bilbo. Not only was it important to be prepared for runny noses or ale spillages but his mother had always carried one whenever she went away on grand escapades as a symbol of good luck. Having forgotten the one his mother had gifted him for his birthday when he was just a young hobbit, he found it most kind when one of the dwarfs ripped off some fabric from his own clothing to make do yet he couldn't accept it. Afterall, it was bad luck to accept another's handkerchief if they weren't properly acquainted. This was proven when Bilbo fell off his pony straight in to a mud puddle.

* * *

_3) Two words : Sackville- Bagginses._

Bilbo Baggins was just thinking about hhis beloved hobbit hole when a horrifying thought implanted itself upon his mind. The Sackville-Bagginses. He'd forgotten all about them. They were most likely flogging his furniture at unreasonable prices and running off with his spoons. He let out a small squeak as he turned his pony around, fury boiling within him. His parents were probably spinning in their graves or arising from the dead,greatly troubled by the sheer mention of his distant relatives. Ha that'd be a fun sight to see. The Sackville-Bagginses facing his mother's wrath for running off with spoons and flogging furniture. "Oi Bilbo! Where ya goin'?" Bofur asked. Bilbo turned to look behind at the dwarf. Oh crap. He couldn't just get up and leave the company. He had signed a contract to be their burglar afterall. Bilbo swallowed down his pride and rage and quickly turned back around and direction.

"I don't know. Funny things ponies." He stuttered nervously.

"Aye but tha' one's usually well behaved and tends to follow the others." Crap. Crap, crap, crappity crap crap. Bilbo gave a nervous chuckle.

"Oh. Yes, well, I um" He wasn't going to get away with this one...

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_Leave suggestions below!_

_Tacosaurus_

P.s My birthday tomorrow

WHOO!


	2. MUD FIGHT

_4) I am constantly filthy._

Bilbo Baggins used to love getting grubby fingers when he played as a youngling but now that he was a fully grown hobbit caked in tons of mud from a full-scale mud fight caused by two troublesome dwaven princes whilst their uncle was consulting with Gandalf he was not amused. A little dirt from gardening wasn't bad but this utter layering was ridiculous and quite frankly Bilbo had had enough. "Will you lot please stop it?!" He tried to demand over the joyous bellowing. "Honestly, you're all grown dwarfs! You shouldn't be doing this sort of thing and-" Bilbo didn't get to finish as he was hit on his shoulder by Kili.

"Come and get me Master Boggins!" He mocked. 'That's it.'The hobbit thought angrily to himself. Scooping up a particularly sloppy pile of mud, Bilbo lobbed it at the dark-haired prince only for it to hit a majestic Thorin Oakenshield square in the face. Everything stilled to a halt and became deathly silent. No one dared to breathe. "Master Baggins. I'm giving you twenty seconds to run for your life." The king-to be stated in an eerily calm manner as he wiped the mud from his face.

"Right ahead of you!" The frightened hobbit yelled, taking off as if on fire and running through the shrubbery faster than one of Radagast' s racing rhosgabel rabbits.

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**Hey! Thanks for all the nice reviews!**

**I will post more chappies but as you know it is my birthday so I'm quite busy.**

**So for now have some virtual birthday cake! WHOOO! **

**Review below!**

**Tacosaurus **

**RAWR **


	3. TONE-DEAF DWARFS

'There have been a total of **112 Views** and **61 Visitors** to story: **Reasons why I should never have left the Shire**.'

**HOLY CRAP! **

** AHHHHHHHHHH! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU! **

**Here's 5-6**

* * *

_5)_ _Thorin hates my guts and I'll most likely die because of this._

Bilbo Baggins avoided being anywhere near Thorin after the 'mud fight' incident. Everytime their paths crossed, Bilbo could feel a hard icy-cold glare boring into the depths of his very soul, missing the burning fire that lay within it. Such spiteful comments were made;strong enough to make Bilbo ponder over something as equally sharp cutting and hurtful to make the dwarf rethink everything. Whenever Bilbo did this he would quite often wander off in to danger.

For an example, Bilbo Baggins had manged to survive a rather dangerous fight between Dwalin and Dori whom were throwing weapons at each other. The experience had thoroughly shocked the company (especially Thorin though he wouldn't admit it) and Bilbo from hence forth was forbidden from walking off alone. Needless to say, Thorin appeared to hate Bilbo deeply and because of this Bilbo appeared to believe that Thorin would rather have the hobbit get ran over by a warg rather than have the halfling save his life which Bilbo still did because he'd been brought up by his mother to value everyone's life. At least that was the hobbit' s excuse when he jumped in front of Thorin when Kili was wavering Gandalf' s staff of majesticness and ended up being a female for a day, being hit upon by many dwarves. That incident was one the entire company had agreed to never mention ever again.

* * *

_6) Fili and Kili have somehow managed to travel to the future and have brought back an 'IPOD'. Now they won't stop singing._

It had been a peaceful morning.

Until Fili and Kili opened their mouths. "Hey, I just met you..." Fili sang as he mounted on his horse.

"Fili, no..." Bilbo began only to be interrupted by Kili joining in.

"And this is crazy!"

"SO HERE'S MY NUMBER AND CALL ME MAYBE!" They hollered frightening the ponies.

* * *

Timekskipityskip

* * *

The next time Fili and Kili sang, they had dragged Ori into singing with them at Thorin. "Thorin, do you wanna build a snowman?" The reluctant sling-shot wielder sang.

"C'mon let's go and play! I never see you anymore."

"C'mon out the door, it's like you've gone away!" Fili screeched down Bilbo' s ear which almost bled from tone-deafness of it.

"We used to be best buddies but now we're not."

"You three-" Bilbo tried to demand but was shoved away by Kili.

"We wish you would tell us why! Do you wanna build a snowman? It doesn't have to be a snowman!" This time Thorin interrupted.

"You three can go to the back of the line until you stop singing that awful squabble!" He demanded in his regal tones.

"Okay bye..."

* * *

The company were settling down for the night, blissful as there was no screeching of lyrics. The pair were so tone-deaf it'd make a grown bolrog cry for his Ada.

Once again, the brother Li took up song. "The sun will come out tomorrow. So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow, come what may."

"Don't you dare!" Bilbo warned in a deathly tone. He was at his wits end. One more song and there'd be hell to play.

"TOMORROW! TOMORROW! I LOVE YA TOMORROW! YOU'RE ONLY A DAY A-" The pair were erupted by a flying pillow.

"SHUT UP! ONCE MORE AND I'LL SHOVE THAT DAMN IPOD WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE!" There was no more singing after Bilbo' s threat.


	4. NOT CUTE OR CUDDLY

7) Fili and Kili keep calling me various 'cute' animals. I am not cute!

Bilbo was sat down, eating soup,and when the brothers Li came skipping up to him. Rolling his eyes, he awaited the horrible singing that almost caused him to beg Thorin to ban singing on the trip. "Hello Mr Boggins! We've got a brand new nickname for you as 'Burglar' is boring." Deciding to humour them, the hobbit pretended to look fascinated.

"Really? What ever could it be?" He chuckled as he slurped some more of his scrumptious soup.

"Hedgehog!" Bilbo spat his soup out all over the place and begin coughing as some was swallowed down his airways.

"Why" He asked once he was better, "Might I ask, am I a hedgehog?"

"You're cute and hedgehogs are cute too!" Fili grinned, causing Bilbo to dump the remains of his soup on the blonde' s head much to Kili' s amusement.

* * *

"What about a kitten then?" Kili asked later on.

"Pardon?!" The hobbit jumped a little as the brothers appeared from seemingly nowhere.

"A kitten. They are soft and have claws so they can defend themselves but they're mostly cute and cuddly. Like you!"

"I AM NOT CUTE OR CUDDLY!" The hobbit yelled, stomping his foot and storming off in another direction.

"Give it up Lads." A tired Balin sighed. The brothers looked at each other.

"NEVER!" They called back as they ran off after Bilbo.

* * *

"A squrriel?" A pot whizzed past Fili' s head, causing him to yelp and curse. He darted away from the cooking area to his expectant brother. "Not a squrriel then?"

"Nope. More of a warg cub. Cute but deadly..."

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Saddle sore up next!

Leave suggestions below!


	5. Reasons Why I'm not Updating

Hey guys sorry about the late update but I'm choosing my GSCE options this week so I'm unable to update.

Viewers: BOOOOOO

Yeah I know. On the Brightside, I have a poll on my for you guys! Yay! Please vote on it for me! If your a guest then have a read of my other stuff!

Leave your ideas below!

Tacosaurus


	6. RISE AND SHINE

_8) I end up getting saddle sore._

Bilbo winced as he sat on his pony, fidgeting as he tried to get comfortable. "What's up Bilbo?" Bofur asked, trotting up next to him as if he'd been born upon horseback. Damn dwarf probably was. "This constant pony-ridding is getting rather tiresome..."

The dwarf laughed. "Oh, aye! Don't worry, a bit of saddle sore cream from Nori will fix everythin' lad!" He continued laughing as Bilbo's mouth flapped opened and closed trying to to come up with a response as he flushed a shade red to fit a tomato.

"Fear not, Master Boggins! Uncle will surely be happy to apply the lotion!" Fili hollered and a few of the dwarfs wolf-whistled, causing Bilbo to turn ruby red and fall off his horse in to the mud, unconscious.

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_Please note that last joke was a nod to the Thilbo shippers. If you do not like Thilbo, please respect those who do. _

* * *

_9) The wake-up calls are ridiculous. Who put Fili and Kili in charge of them?_

Bilbo was sleeping peacefully until... "WAKE UP MASTER BOGGINS!" A voice screeched down his ear causing Bilbo to roll off his bedroll and down the hillside screaming as he did so. Kili looked guilty as he walked away slowly, whistling.

"WHY MEEEEEE?!"

* * *

Bilbo was just taking a nap when a pot and wooden spoon were being banged beside his ears. "WAKE UUUUUUUP!" Bilbo groaned as he tried to pull the pillow over his ears. Above him, Fili grinned deviously. Yanking the pillow from the hobbit's small figure, he tickled him. "F-F-F-Fili! S-stop. Hahahahaha!No, no, no!" Bilbo chortled against his will.

"Told you he was a cute kitten!" Fili told his brother. Bilbo shoved Fili off of him and ran off screaming ''I'M NOT A BLOODY KITTEN!" Kili laughed until tears ran down his cheeks as he saw his brother land face first on the floor.

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_Next chapter will have a booze theme._

_May Mahal have mercy on Gandalf..._


	7. LAY OFF THE BOOZE

_10) All the dwarves believe that I can't hold my liquor just as well as them._

There was one incident that had become unspeakable in the company. One that Bilbo had named 'Reasons why the dwarves should have never gotten drunk without me' quite traumatized by the events that had unfolded. What had happened was Fili challenged the others to a drinking contest and ordered Bilbo to document it. "Me? Why me? I can hold liquor just as well as you!" The dwarves had sniggered at that.

"Pfft, that's as likely as Bombor losing weight over nigh'" Bofur had stated, causing Bilbo to fume and shove the documenting equipment in to Gandalf' s hands. Gandalf smirked as Bilbo walked confidently up to Bofur and grinned a Tookish grin. "Game on." He hissed.

* * *

Moments later, dwarves were yelling "CHUG IT, CHUG IT" as Bilbo downed his liquor faster than Bofur. The hobbit slammed his mug down and wiped his mouth triumphantly. The effects of the alcohol were only starting to set in, quite surprising the pub bar tender. "Ya gonna finish tha'?" Slurred Bifur to Bilbo before he passed out upon the floor. The hobbit merely laughed and ordered more ale. Getting up and stepping over Bifur, Bilbo walked outside and sat down for a puff of his pipe. He returned to see the dwarves completely drunk where as they'd been semi-sober. "BILBO,MY LOVE YOU'RE HOME!" Thorin Oakenshield screamed happily as he ran to hug Bilbo. He was barged out of the way by Fili.

"BACK OFF HE'S MINE!"

"NOOOO HE'S MY... MY ... WIFE!" Thorin staggered over to Fili and slapped him. Fili slapped him back. Then Thorin slapped him back. Bilbo yanked Thorin away from Fili who yelled "WHY DENY OUR LOVE JIMMY WHY? " as he collapsed to his knees. Dori staggered past and Fili grinned before running after him. Bilbo surveyed the scene before him warily. Nori was trying to sell Bifur to Gandalf; Ori and Kili were dancing on tables singing "IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY! GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY! EVERYBODY'S LOOKIN' FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND!" whilst blaring the IPOD at full blast; a passed out Dori was being hugged by a hysterical Fili whom was sobbing happily and Oin was trying to chat up a wall. Elsewhere, Bofur mistook Gloin for a woman and was chasing him around the room saying "LET ME LOVE YOU GALINDA!" whilst Balin breathed heavily and occasionally stated "LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER!". Dwalin strangely told everyone his name was Luke Skywalker and that he was a jedi, whatever that was. To this day, it is a great mystery why Kili decided to try and change his name to "King Majesticness the Firstest". Bilbo turned to Gandalf, flustered.

"If you can't beat them... Join them!" was all he said as he downed more liquor. Gandalf facepalmed. "Oh Mahal..." He muttered.


End file.
